Cut the Shit

Uninspired Friday

Nice camel toe Dickhead.

I was reading through some journals this morning and decided to steal a MEME from Wisdom of a Moonchild. I’ve got nothing to write about, but I feel the need to post. Thanks Inkers!

Now on to the show and keep in mind that I’m in an exceptionally bitchy mood today.

Lez rock lezzies:

1. Last kiss? God, it’s been so long it seems…um…my dog, Tyler. Holy shit, I’m becoming THAT guy.

2. How do u flush the toilet in public? Let’s see…I take off the top of the toilet and I move my hand around inside of the tank. I then pull on that little chain and watch the water empty from the bowl. Then I dry my hand by licking it clean. My mom taught me this method and it really does work the best.

3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? I even wear a seat belt every time I get into a cab. Seriously..

4. Do you have a crush on someone? Nope. And when you’re as cute as me, that’s a total shame.

5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it: Marijuana, mostly cuz I REALLY don’t want to have to buy it yet again. Each time I’m convinced I’m going to get my ass arrested. But then again, I could really use a day off from work, so that might not be such a bad thing..

6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble? This question irks cuz I think I’m quite original (and really don’t think I look like any of these, but ho hum…) I get Austin from “Days of our Lives”, Eddie Munster, Freddie Prinze Jr., anyone who can’t act worth shit. Which is probably saying something….

7. Favorite pizza topping: Just cheese and only cheese. Why ruin a perfectly good pizza with anything else? Completely blasphemous in my world.

8. Finish this sentence: if my life was a sitcom my theme song would be from the Greatest American Hero – cuz I’m gay and have an afro of curly blonde hair.

9. Do you pop your knuckles? I used to a lot, but now I just crack my neck incessantly. Yet when other people do it, it makes me want to puke. Go figure.

10. What song do you dislike the most when it gets stuck in your head? These days it’s Beyonce’s “Check on It”. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night with the chorus repeating in my head and it’s absolutely maddening. I’m talkin MADDENING.

11. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head? HAHAHAHA. WHY, YES! Now I hate you.

12. What are your super powers? Manipulation and crying when I’m not upset.

13. Peppermint or spearmint? YAWN…peppersnores.

14. Where are your keys? ALWAYS in my purse.

15. Who's answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear? Truthfully? No ones. MEME’s suck unless you’re doing one yourself.

16. What's your most annoying habit? God I have so many. Probably having to be in bed by 11pm and biting my fingernails. And also eating pizza. I’ve been known to eat it 4 or 5 times a week. Usually while I’m chewing on my fingernails.

17. Where did you last go on vacation? I last went on vacation to Rhode Island and we stayed in this gorgeous hotel and our room opened up to a balcony that was RIGHT ON THE BEACH – waves crashing 20 feet away. I’ll never forget it for the rest of my life. It was absolutely beautiful.

18. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it, who would it be? Hmmmm…only one? Then I pick my first “boyfriend” Brandon. He could use a good punch in his fake bisexual face. And he has a crooked dick. SNARF!

19. I don't know what happened to 19. Fair enough!

20. What CD is closest to you right now? Fiona Apple’s “Extraordinary Machine” and also the movie soundtrack to “Rent”, and also Jason Mraz’s “Mr. A-Z” and also…so many more. I’m quite music obsessed.

21. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? Whole Fruit popsicles (tangerine is Paul and my favorite), blue cheese, French fries.

22. What superstition do you believe/practice? For someone as crazy as me, you’d be surprised to hear that I don’t believe in superstition. Mostly cuz I’m afraid that if I do start, I’ll get all OCD about it.

23. When you're in a public place and your underwear gets up your crack, do you sit there and take it, or do you dig it out and let the world deal with it? I’m the king of covert, so I will, of course, dig it out, but I would be mortified if anyone actually caught me doing it. And also, up your crack? Sick.

24. If you could murder 5 people and get away with it, who would they be and why? First and foremost would be President Bush. Second would be President Bush. Third would be Vice President Dickhead. Third and Fourth are Bush again and fifth is Bush. He’s such a cocky, blow hard, IDIOT. Oh blech. He’s even worse than that. Ever hate someone so much you couldn’t ever quench the thirst of it? I could write three more pages about how much I can’t stand this tool and I would STILL not feel satiated. Seriously, I would love it if he died. And yeah, I ain’t kiddin.

25. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive? I don’t drive ever since I live in Manhattan, but at the same time I do think it’s dangerous and should always be on “hands-free”.

26. What are your favorite sayings? I’m HUGE on sayings…currently I’m rocking “Fair enough”, but it’s on its way out. My next thing is going to be calling my girl friends “Mommy” and my guy friends “Daddy”. I read it recently in a David Sedaris book and I thought it was the funniest thing ever. I’m known in my friends for beating them over the head with new sayings until they pick it up and claim it for their own.

27. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower? Whatever is playing on the radio. But if they play that Ne-Yo “So Sick” song again, I’m going to cut his tongue out. For real.

28. If you could go back or forward in time would you and where would you go? I would go forward in time to when gays are truly accepted as part of the society, but in order for that to happen, we’d need a new scapegoat. I’m offering up the Latinos as the next group to be skewered by the people. Fair enough! (OMG, I am SO kidding – it would be the Asians.)

29. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie? BOOOOWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. How bout the one where he DOESN’T play a smarmy, fucking douchebag?

30. (I changed this question cuz I didn’t like the original one) Are you the best? Yes.

31. What OCD qualities do you have? I have to squeeze my eyes shut really hard before something exciting happens. Everything must be put back in its proper place – Paul drives me up the wall with this. I don’t care if it’s a drop of piss or just a fart, the toilet MUST be flushed each time after use – again, Paul drives me crazy with this.

32. How many kids do you plan on having? How many kids do I plan on NOT having? 7

33. If you could kiss anyone famous who would it be? There actually aren’t too many since I go for mostly bodybuilders. So I guess I’ll say “The Incredible Hulk”. With extra green paint.

34. Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know? Yeah. Fucking, of course.

35. What do you do when no one is watching? Masturbate furiously.

36. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would play you? Anyone hot and gay. Fuck the straight people playing gay. It’s like me playing black. You just can’t quite get into that skin correctly.”

37. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep? I don’t answer any question that references Bon Jovi’s “Blaze of Glory”. And I actually really like Bon Jovi. But I don’t answer questions that relate to this song NOR the movie “Young Guns”.

38. What candy, from when you were a kid, do you miss the most? Uh…I still eat all the candy that I liked from when I was a kid. (shifty eyes)

39. What is your favorite movie? I fucking hate this question. As a cinephile, there is no such thing as ONE favorite movie. That’s all there is to it. I want this question removed from society immediately. It should be “What’s the best movie you’ve seen recently?” Cuz when your 15 and your favorite movie is “Edward Scissorhands”, are you expected to keep it as your favorite movie for the rest of your life? I mean, seriously. Go fuck yourself.

40. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert? I’ve seen a ton of concerts, but the bands I’ve really enjoyed live have been “Dave Matthews”, “Barenaked Ladies”, “Ben Folds Five”, “Indigo Girls”, “NSYNC”, and “Our Lady Peace”.

41. Have you ever been in love? God no. What am I? A fag?

42. Do you talk to yourself? Yes. Oh yes. But usually in my head and not out loud. Does that make me less crazy or just hotter than I already am?

43. Is there anybody you just wish would fall of the face off the earth? President Bush. But that goes without saying. I’ll also say my boss at work. And I’ll also say the mail guy who talks my ear off every day. And I’ll even say…oh you know what? I pretty much want everyone to fall off the earth. So I’m going to ask God to shake the whole planet and those who hang on can stay. Everyone else can float into the orbit and watch us all having fun without them. That seems fair. Fair enough, that is!

And that is all for today. Have a wonderful weekend! I surely will.

Hugs and drugs y’all!